In that respect, it's eerily reminiscent of Anna, an indie first-person horror adventure on Steam that I also played this week because after Amnesia, the phrase "Indie first-person horror adventure on Steam" makes my willy perk up and spin around like a tassle on a stripper's tit.
#Zero punctuation mark of the ninja professional
And that no-alarms bonus was flashing temptation at me, and she shouldn't have dressed like that if she wasn't asking for it, officer.īut anyway, on the subject of sex crimes, let's get back to professional football. 'cause there's a big points bonus for not killing anyone, but pretty much all the upgrades you can buy are only for killing people, and also killing people is very satisfying to us dangerous petty-minded types.Īlso, it is possible to design a stealth game so you can be spotted and not feel like you completely fucked things up - see Arkham Asylum for that particular crash course - and every time I was spotted in Mark of the Ninja, I saw no reason not to immediately park me bum down and start fellating nearby gun barrels, 'cause attempting to fight at that point feels like assaulting a bouncy castle with the back of a spoon. But I wish the game would figure out whether it wants you to be Slitty McMurderson or if killing people is for massive ninja poseurs who only got into it when it was cool.
#Zero punctuation mark of the ninja free
And I found myself thinking the same thing I thought about Shank the tone of the writing in this game is way too serious for the art style which is somewhere between Disney and Penny Arcade, so it looks like the Prince from The Little Mermaid has diversified into gouging the throats out of mercenaries.Īs I've made clear in the past, I'm very fond of stealth games because I too have difficulty making friends and Mark of the Ninja has the right ingredients: large open level design, very free movement, clear indications of sound and visibility and the perverse little shivers of glee that come from making an enemy soldier look the other way just long enough to slit 'em up like a funeral suit. So that leaves FIFA 13, and is there really anything insightful I can say about it, having never played a football game before and indeed still never having done so? Some might say not having played the game and only glancing briefly at the cover art might preclude reviewing it as a rule, but I didn't get to where I am today by following rules all over the place! Let's give it a crack.įIFA 13 is a game about- Actually, has anyone played Mark of the Ninja on XBLA? It's a 2D stealth game by the creators of Shank about a really socially awkward man who has basically resigned himself to never making any friends, enacting revenge upon a military corporation who attacked his ancient ninja clan, perhaps to encourage them to stop being such twats and realize that it's not feudal Japan any more (and even if it was, the ninjas wouldn't run around wearing pyjamas they stole from Dracula's awkward teenage children). Partially, I blame publishers not wanting to put out anything that might have to compete with Mists of Pandaria (which incidentally I wouldn't touch with a twelve-foot sterilized barge pole being held by somebody else). Except instead of answering questions, you punch a schoolgirl in the tits. There was Dead or Afive Live and Tekken: Tag Testicle Tourniquet, and I've never gotten into one-on-one fighters 'cause they're like going to a job interview for a job you can't do and you don't particularly want. And for once, I'm not going to blame slow releases 'cause there were quite a few it's just that they were all the kind of shit I don't touch with a ten-foot barge pole. "This week was a difficult one", I reflected from my hammock that I have set up between two naked ladies. This week, Zero Punctuation reviews FIFA 13, with a twist.